The Hyper, The Spikey and the Manicdepressant
by CloudRox1
Summary: CloYu Yuffie enlists Cloud's help in lightening Vincent up. Cloud, However, is none to willing. What'll Yuffie do? Read to find out! ::OLD FIC. HIATUS::
1. The Challenge

~~~~The Challenge~~~~

Terms for succeeding: You must write to the set rules and complete the fic. (There is no limit to the numbers of chapters allowed.) If you can get ten non-flame reviews and keep to the guidelines, you will win.

Main characters: You are allowed to write an FF7 fic, starring Yuffie Kisaragi, Vincent Valentine and Cloud Strife.

Plotline: The plot generally follows Yuffie trying to get Vincent to lighten up a little. She persuades Cloud to help her. (Put in a suitable way that she manages this!) The plot can go anyway you want from there, except;

Hard not to fall into the trap, but the story must not be a Yuffentine. No pairing needed, but if the feeling really hits you, it has to be a Clo/Yu. Must not be set as an aftermath to the game. Must be set during the game. 

Extra Stuff:

You MUST involve these events. Make sure to add a sufficiant explaination as to why they happen.

· Cloud with his hair down (no spikes.)  

· Yuffie hallucinating/dreaming/imagining a Yuffentine scene (which she doesn't enjoy)

Barret and Cid's joint cooking. Yuffie donating a materia (not hers... just a materia.) Cloud playing an Interactive Sephiroth game at the Wonder Square. Cloud's impression of Vincent. Yuffie thinking of ironic tortures for Cloud and Vincent. (not at the same time) 

A challenge set by Firefly99, specifically for the purposes of driving CloudRox crazy! **MUHAHAHAHAHA!!!**

**^__^^__^**


	2. It begins

****

**Challenge Fic: Attack on Vincent's Goth-y-ness!**

**written by CloudRox, set by (the EVIL) Firefly99.**

Disclaimer do-hicky: 

**CloudRox**: MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!! I OWN NOTHING! SO NOW YOU CAN'T SUE ME!!!

**Squaresoftian lawyers**: Actually, we think you'll find we can. You see, you have a lawsuit a mile long for things like these *lists many many breaches of law* please step outside so we may pummel you to bits and beat you with our sharp, sharp briefcases.

**CloudRox**: uh oh. HELLLLLLLLPPPPPPP!!!! *begins to run, but is caught by lawyers and dragged, kicking and yelling obscenities into corridor*

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A/N: This story is set just before the fight with Sephiroth, and most people are training up their characters. And me and Firefly99 came up with 'Kalm Fried Chocobo', guess what it's based on! ^_^ Oh, by the way, I'm not gonna revive Aeris, cos I think dead people should stay dead, and besides, I can't think of a way to do it, so there. Another note: I don't mean any nastiness to Vinnie fans. Go blame Firefly99, she set the challenge! Vinnie is one of my favourite characters, so go figure. She likes to torment me. And Tifa and Cait Sith won't feature in this story. Sorry. Long authors note, huh?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 "FOOD'S COMIN UP! GET READY!"

Barret's voice rang through the tent, rousing everyone from their various activities.

[Yuffie was busy devising a new plan (on a napkin) for getting the gang's Materia.

Cloud was washing his hair, which meant his hair was down. No spikes! (He had his tent flap buckled tightly, last time Yuffie had walked in, snapped a picture and sold it to fangirls on eBay.)

Vincent was...well...writing. His diary, or his sin-book, as Yuffie called it. (Yuffie didn't like Vincent. Most of AVALANCE didn't either, but they put up with him because he was a good fighter.)

Barret was making dinner.

Cid was helping Barret make dinner. (they'd lost a bet, alright?)

Tifa was exercising to work off the 1 milligram of fat she'd acquired. (She was fighing monsters near Nibelhiem.) 

Cait Sith had been shut down (Reeve had the 'flu)

Red XIII was playing with his silver barrette.]

Cloud quickly spiked his hair up again. He stepped outside , tripped over Red's Silver Barrette and stumbled into Yuffie's tent.

"CLOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUDDDD! YOU RIPPED MY NAPKIN! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU, YOU [wutainian swearword]!!!!!!!

"Ok! Sorry! Geez, it's just a napkin, Yuffie. Get over it."

"It may be just a napkin to you, but to me it was my pla-" Yuffie remembered what the plan was FOR and looked around for a change of subject.

"DINNERS READY! GET YOUR BUTTS IN 'ERE!" Barret shouted from behind the tents.

Thank Leviathan, Yuffie thought. She soon changed her mind when she saw the 'food'.

"What is this...stuff?" She wrinkled her nose. 

"what are yeh, blind? It's PASTA!"

"That is not pasta. That is evil."

Vincent interrupted. "You cannot know evil. Evil is Chaos that ravenges my mind and destroys everything I hold dear. That food is not evil. It is merely bad food."

Yuffie rolled her eyes. She hated Vincent's monologues, his angst, and the way he always was so self-hating. She said so. Vincent just turned away.

"I will retire to my tent so that you innocents may not have to stare at the face of a demon-" The rest of his sentence was obscured by the tent flaps.

There was an uncomfortable silence.

"So...what are yeh waitin for? Dig in!"

"um...Barret? This food sucks. I'm not touching it. I'll get infected or something!"

"WHY YOU LITTLE NINJA BRAT!" Barret roared, and moved towards Yuffie in a menacing fashion.

Luckily, Cid chose that moment to enter the little circle of tents with a tray and cups of...well it was definitely a liquid...possibly acid-y...

"OK, ya $^&^(), here's yeh tea!" Cid said, grinning proudly. "Know what? 's my first batch too!"

Cloud peered into the teapot (that was emitting green smoke) and grimaced.

Yuffie, completely ignoring the hyperventilating Barret, made a nasty face at the foul-smelling 'tea'.

"My god, Cid, this sucks as much as Barret's evil pasta! I'm going to Kalm Fried Chocobo for some REAL food. I don't want to die of food poisoning."

Both Cid and Barret ran yelling obscenities at Yuffie, Cid threating to shove his spear up her 'bratty li'l ninja &$$', Barret just blindly shooting his gun-arm in (vaguely) Yuffie's direction, shooting tents and the pot of 'pasta' and the teapot. Yuffie dived for cover in her tent. Cloud and Red XIII jumped on Cid and Barret to stop anything else getting destroyed.

"YUFFIE! GET OUT HERE!" Cloud yelled, his largest spike flopping down onto his face with the effort of keeping Barret down. Red XII was holding on tightly to the back of Cid's shirt and digging his paws in the soft ground.

An eye appeared at the flap to Yuffie's tent. "No way! I value my life!"

"YUFFIE, IF YOU DO NOT GET OUT HERE RIGHT NOW I WILL GIVE ALL YOUR MATERIA TO VINCENT!!!"

Vincent's pale face appeared at the flap of his tent. 

"I know not why you would entrust any materia to Chaos, for, as much as I attempt to restrain him, he still uses my body as a vessel for him to commit his sins, forever burdening my conscience and bloodying my hands." He then disappeared back into his tent and soft guitar strums could be heard.

Cloud, aggravated by Yuffie's behaviour and struggling with Barret, lost his temper.

"VINCENT! WE COULD REALLY USE SOME HELP HERE, SO INSTEAD OF BEING ALL" Cloud put on an angsty face " 'Oh, woe is me, I have sinned, forever evil, blah blah, %^$&^&^ blah!' GET OUT HERE AND HELP!"

There was no sound from inside Vincent's tent, except for the strumming of his guitar. Cloud gave up, and yelled for Yuffie again.

Yuffie sighed, amusing herself with visions of Cloud being impaled on his spikes and Vincent being bored to death by having to listen to recordings of all his gothic monologues. Then, cautiously, she poked her head out.

"YU----FF---IE! GET OUT HERE! COME HERE AND-"Cloud paused, and then continued. "um...SAY SORRY? NOW!"

"Huwy! I cot hole o 'uch lomger!" Red yelled, his voice muffled by the fabric of Cid's shirt.

Yuffie stepped reluctantly out of the tent and, staring at her feet, she said, quietly and sullenly:

"Fine. 'orry."

"FOR _WHAT_ , YUFFIE? AND WHO TO?"

"'orry for insulting your tea, Cid. 'orry for insulting your food, Barret." Yuffie turned red, still staring at her shoes. This was sooooooooooo embarrassing! And to think, the guy she had a crush on (Cloud-well, he looked good with a shirt off) had done this to her! She once again amused herself with a vision of Cloud struggling to swim(Topless...ahhh...)in a tub of hair gel.

Vincent though...he was another story. God, could he BE anymore depressing? It was time someone brought him out of this eternal sulk.

And she knew exactly who she wanted to help her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Phew! Sorry it took so long to upload, readers, I've recently got back from a 2-week holiday on the island of Crete in Greece and I've got a lovely tan to prove it! (shows off skin with a tiny, tiny, VERY faint hint of light brown.) ¬_¬ I don't tan easily, OK?

I'll upload ASAP!

Caio!

CloudRox.


	3. Yes, I nicked it off the Simpsons

Chapter 2 (or three, if you want to be literal about it)

Disclaimer: 

Cloudrox1: *huffs* I won't say it. 

Squaresoftian lawyers: Say it.

Cloudrox1: No. 

Squaresoftian lawyers: Say it!

Cloudrox1: No. 

Squaresoftian lawyers: Say it!!

Cloudrox1: No. 

Squaresoftian lawyers: Say it or we'll take away your Cloud plushie!

Cloudrox1: Noooooooooooooooooooooo!! *sobs* OK…I don't own FF7. Happy, you soul-sucking fiends?

Squaresoftian lawyers: Yes. *disappear cackling maniacally in a puff of red mist that smells of chilli and hotdogs*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: hey, finally an update! And finally a title that doesn't totally suck! And finally a tail! ^__^ And I'm sorry about the Vincent bashing! I really am! *ducks fruit thrown by angry Vincent fans* Go blame Firefly99! She gave me the challenge!! *gets hit in the face with a rotten watermelon* owch.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

****

CHALLENGE FIC CHAPTER 2

The Hyper, The Spikey And The Manic-Depressant

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*breath*eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*breath*eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*breath*eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease??"

"No."

"Pleeeeeeeeeee-"

"Stop. Don't do that again."

"So you'll do it?"

"No."

"Aww, Clooooouuuuddyy, pleeeeeeeee-"

"YUFFIE!"

"Fine, I'll stop," Yuffie huffed "But PLEEASE help meee?" Yuffie tried the puppy-dog face. Cloud shut his eyes and looked away.

"NO. I will NOT help you 'lighten Vincent up'. If he wants to be depressed, then he can be."

"But just yesterday you were saying-"

"Yuffie, NO. And that's final."

*~*

Cloud walked down Midgar high street. Tifa's birthday was coming up soon, and he needed a gift. He stopped in front of a woman's clothes store and examined one of the pink poofy dresses in the window (earning himself a strange look from one of the assistants who happened to be passing said window). He shook his had and moved on to the next item on show. He paused and stared at the mannequin 

"Wait a second…"Cloud said, looking puzzled "that looks like..."

The 'mannequin', dressed in black velvet from head to toe, came out of its pose and tapped on the glass.

"Pleeeeeee-"

"NO!"

*~*

Cloud panted as he pedalled up the hill just outside of Kalm. He did it every day, and had his own mantra he chanted each time.

"Nearly….there….just…a little….further…"

As he reached the top, he became aware of a panting behind him.

"*pant* pleeeeeee…eee…ee-"

"NO!"

"DAMMIT!…" Yuffie cried, falling off her bike.

*~*

Cloud came out of the shower, dripping water on the inn carpet. Squinting through the water on his eyes, he searched for a towel. Feeling around, he found one quickly. Drying his face, he looked up to see Yuffie, bright red and hiding her eyes.

"Please, Cloud….cover up!"

Cloud went as red as Yuffie, if not redder.

"GET OUT! NOW!"

"But-"

"NOOOWWW!!!" Cloud yelled, shoving her out the door and slamming it.

Yuffie's voice filtered through the door:

"If you help me I won't tell anyone about how hot you look without any clothes on!"

"^*&%&^*$ OFF!!!!"

*~*

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeaaassseee, Cloudy??"

"GGAAHH! Why don't you just quit asking!!!??? I'm NOT going to change my mind! HOW MUCH MORE PROOF DO YOU NEED!?" Cloud turned over. "Now GO AWAY and let me SLEEP."

"Hrrmmpphh." Yuffie climbed off his bed and sloped off to her room.

*~*

In said room, she Plotted. She had to get help in this HUGE task. It was her purpose in LIFE, dammit, and she would not be deterred by some stubborn, (HOT), spikey-haired…

Yuffie grinned. She had hatched a Plan.

*~*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CloudRox1: Short chapter... *grins evilly* Yay! Cliffhanger! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA-*falls asleep*

Man In White Coat #1: We got her!

Man In White Coat #2: Nice shot with the tranquilliser gun there, Harry!

Men in White Coats #1 & 2: *high five*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	4. Yuffie's Plan

The Hyper, The Spikey and The Manic-depressant. Chapter 4- Yuffie's Plan

Disclaimer: I don't own 'dih'. I think A. Nonymous III esq. owns it, in Alternate Earth. (READ IT! NOW!) Plus, I don't own FFVII. Trust me, if I did, I would

Make a PS2 remake-graphics, voices and all… 

Revive Aeris…actually, wait… 

Make Cloud's outfit more revealing…squeeee… 

Make CloudxYuffie the official pairing (Take THAT Aeris! In your FACE Tifa!)   
Make Cloud and Yuffie get together at the end. Yay! 

But, as none of these things seem set to happen anytime soon, I think it's a safe bet that I don't own FF7. Damn you, lawyers of DOOM!!!! ::has to be carted off to a loony bin::

"OW! STUPID TIFA'S ANTI-JIGGLE BREAST TAPE…eeeww…."

Yuffie grimaced, muttered a few Wutain curses and rubbed her toe. She went back to searching through the Costa Del Sol Villa medicine cabinet.

"I know it's in here somewhere…come, on, he must have GALLONS of the stuff…Aha!"

Yuffie lifted out a large, economy-size tub of hairgel.

The Plan was in action.

"You can't sell to this man." Yuffie said to the shopkeeper.

"Er, is it a man?" The shopkeeper squinted at the crude doodle of a stick figure with large spikes from its 'head'.

"OF COURSE IT'S A MAN! WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE??"

The shopkeeper decided not to answer that.

"OK, OK…so why can't I sell to him?"

"Because…he's an evil guy who steals stuff from innocent shopkeepers. And…he always give you just short of the amount he owes and runs off. So don't give him the chance, OK?"

"Um, OK. Whatever you say, m'am."

"Good." Yuffie stormed out.

"You can't sell to this man."

"It's a man?"

"DIH! IS MY DRAWING REALLY THAT BAD??"

"Um. Yes."

"Fine. It's…uh…not a man. It's...a girl who dresses up as a guy to steal stuff."

"THAT makes sense…"

"SHUT UP! It just IS, OK? I never said it made SENSE."

"Alright, alright, no sale if a guy walks in here who looks like this."

"Good." Yuffie stormed out again. _Damn these shopkeepers! _She thought. _Too damn suspicious…_

__

THREE HOURS LATER_._

__

"You can't sell to this man. And YES, it IS a man."

"Oh…alright. Why can't I sell to him, missy?"

"Uh…" Yuffie had run out of ideas, having used steadily more outrageous excuses on every shopkeeper on the Planet. Even the Chocobo Sage, and THAT had taken patience… "Um…you…just CAN'T, OK! He's a bad guy. DEAL WITH IT!"

"OK! OK! Just put down the shuriken, miss…"

Yuffie stomped out. No matter. The Plan was truly under way.

_Cloud…You WILL help me…you will have NO CHOICE!!!_

Nothing could stop her now…she felt an evil laugh coming on.

"MUAHAHAHAHA!!!" Yuffie blinked. "Wow, that actually felt good!"

OK, Back from my short stay in the loony bin. They said I was incurable. Plus they gave me a cool t-shirt! Look ::holds up a shirt that says 'I went to the loony bin and all I got was this lousy T-shirt'::

In case anyone missed the bulletin, won't allow action stars anymore, so I have to resort to double colons. DAMMIT! ::shakes fist::


	5. The Plan in action

The Hyper, The Spikey and the Manic-Depressant

Chapter 5-The Plan in action

-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-

CloudRox1: Sorry for the long wait! I will totally understand if you want to throw rotten fruit/eggs/bricks at me!

Lawyers: THERE SHE IS!

CloudRox1: Eeep:runs:

-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

"Wzfgl?"

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

Cloud turned over and thumped the alarm clock. The tiny figure of Sephiroth was already squashed from several mornings'-worth of maltreatment. Cloud, for about the fifteenth time, cursed _The Alarme Shoppe_ for selling out of everything else. He turned over again and thumped onto the floor.

"Aw, crap." He shuffled into the bathroom.

-()-

Yuffie, lying awake in the next room, grinned evilly when she heard the shower start to run.

Operation Get-Cloud-To-Help-Cheer-Up-Vinnie was under way.

_Hmm…maybe I should work on a shorter name…_she thought.

-()-

More awake now, Cloud stepped out of the shower. Over the years, his hair had absorbed so much gel that it still retained its basic shape even while he was sleeping or showering. Unfortunately, this didn't stop bed-head, so his hair looked like an old broom whose bristles have stuck together with age crossed with a large bush then dunked in sugary water for a week.

This happened every morning. A fresh coat of gel usually sorted it out. He opened the cupboard next to the mirror and felt around for his personal jumbo-sized pot.

"Ow…stupid Tifa's anti-jiggle breast tape…hmm" Cloud stared at the tape. "That explains a lot." He shrugged, put it back, and rummaged again.

And again, slightly more panicked than last time.

He ripped the cupboard of the wall and emptied the contents onto the floor, frantically searching.

-()-

Yuffie felt a little twinge of conscience when she heard the small sobbing coming from the bathroom. She'd had to control her evil laugh when she heard the cabinet ripping off though. She mentally poked her conscience.

_Don't you start now, not when it's all coming together, or else I'll take five Hypers in a row again!_

Her conscience stopped twingeing.

Yuffie concentrated on the bathroom noises again. For some reason, they seemed to have stopped.

"That's odd…"

And that's when Cloud burst in, looking like a bush wearing a spiky afro, grabbed her by the turtleneck and dragged out of bed.

"EEK! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE _DOING_!"

"My hair-gel. Has been. _Stolen_. I won't accuse you. Yet. But I need to get some more, and I'll be dammed if I'm going to leave you in the villa alone, especially after what happened last time."

"IT WAS ONE SMALL FIRE! WHY DOES NO-ONE JUST LET IT BE!"

"Regardless. You. Me., Midgar. Now."

"…fair enough. But, uh, Cloud?"

"What?"

"You might want to put some clothes on instead of that towel."

-()-()-()-

2 HOURS (AND A SET OF PANTS) LATER

-()-()-()-

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NO SALE?"

"Look, I'm not happy about you people in general, I'm not aiding and abetting your sort!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, MY SORT!"

The shopkeeper looked uncomfortable.

"_You_ know..."

Cloud's voice went dangerously quiet.

"No. Please, do tell."

"Like…lesbian transvestites."

-()-()-()-

(ANOTHER) 3 HOURS LATER

-()-()-()

"That was the twenty-third store today."

"I know."

The unsupported spikes were drooping quite badly.

"Why do all shopkeepers on the Planet seem really reluctant to sell to me?"

"I don't know."

"And they all have really crazy and unbelievable reasons when I ask why!"

"Um."

The iceberg of suspicion rose in Cloud's thoughts.

"Yuffie…_you_ wouldn't have anything to do with this, _would_ you?"

Yuffie stiffened.

"Eeep," she said quietly.

_He wasn't meant to figure it out yet! I haven't reached this part in my Plan! _She mentally panicked.

-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-

CloudRox1: OK, I think I lost them.

Small Lawyer: OVER HERE! SHE'S HE-yelp!

CloudRox1:holding the struggling sackful of lawyer: I have to go before I'm convicted of…we don't have time to list them all…Bye!

_This fic sponsored by The Soul-Searchers Society. If you wish to make a donation of one or more souls, please leave a review, and our operators will get back to you._


End file.
